Thoughni m technologically challenged, i have gathered the courage to experiment with the template.

too tired to write anything

Life can be so comfiting, never tought in these troubled times. Mom n dad came over to Ranchi for celebrating the new year with me.
All the cloistered comforts of a HOME revisited me today. Breakfast, lunch, all served with grand traces of Victorain morality. Enjoyed the day. I thoroughly enjoyed the company of Mummy n daddy. As I pen down my elations, I m also forced to think of a past when I wanted to be as free as a bird. As a student, I spent Sundays confined to the order and discipline of home, felt incarcerated. Wanted to break free, wanted to free myself from the ghostly orderd life, always considered myself to be another rastafarian in making. But now when I m free n on my own, I want to relive those moments of incarceration, want to be intrexicably intertwined to the order and disscipline of life, which i always hated as a youth,,,
will resume later

The Lord was born today some hundred years ago. So, it was celebration time for his blind followers. I say 'blind' because even an iota of reason can shake off ones faith. When reason comes in direct conflict with questions of faith, the present circumsatnces would let us believe that the later will undoubatably overpower the former. So, we are actually, in a world riven with hatred, celebrating an illusion created by religion.
But, in the contemporary times, when the word 'trust' has been relegated into oblivion, where do human beings repose faith in? Is there any institution or person left to rely on? Religion, it seems, is the only sacred space. But when does one turn to religion? In times of distress or when he/she is extremely elated? Or religion has some unexplained metaphysical dimension? What is it that draws all and sundry to religion? Any answers!
Enough of philosophical diarrhoea! So, i would like to shift back to mundane conversation.
So, finally it took off! Still in a limbo! hah...
Today I called up Ranjan after a long time to wish him merry Christmas. Felt nice after talking to that forgetful but generuous bugger.
Enough 'food' for thought for the day.

Posted on 12/19/2003
People are discussing here the eternal sin of not taking bath regularly. I contest. Well only GOD knows how difficult and spine-chiling experience it is to take bath in winters. Whether Adam and Eve bathed in the Garden of Eden remains yet another religious obfuscation as it is no where mentioned in the Bible. Well, I think no one bathed before the great Deluge. And then they latched on to Noah's ark to evade water's fury. So, the logic is simple...even GOD made that invincible ark to protect human beings from water. I think some religious scholar might take up this 'humane' aspect for research.
Ah enough of tomfoolery! Well the day passed on as usual. The kitchen was in a mess, so had to clear it up. Picked up reading after a long gap. My story is still on a hold over. Well it shouldn't bother people who have miles to go before they sleep...
The situation in office is a little tense these days...professionalism is being forced on a people used to the affronts of Babudom. New postures, new guidelines but same old story, the quality leaves a lot to be desired. But I have no grudges.
I try not wail discordantly but as a journalist it comes to me naturally,,,,I crib for the sake of cribbing,,,
Will wail tomorrow also
enjoy my uncelebrated writing (i guess even the Rushdies would also have sleepless nights after my write-up!)

Wow never thought that our team could do so well Down Under. The wall stood tall. "Dravid slays Goliath," read the headline of an Australian newspaper.
And what a day it was. The wall of ego also crumbled.
I dont know but creativity is choking today. To rephrase the truth,"My emotions are sounding like the mechanical clicks of the keyboard." Emotional reality is surrendering to the technology. Expressions of my heart are lost somewhere in the microchips of the comp. And without expression and feeling, one cant write. So, i have again found an escape route not to write? I betray myself.
But I sometimes feel that the most intense and creative writing is borne out of madness and tragedy. Or as some say by the intoxicating magic that Bacchus weaves. So, today, I m neither mad nor tragic. And Bacchus, the God would do well to stay back in Greece.
"Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards, but on the viewless wings of Poesy" I will fly to thee...where the soul lies in mirth and elation.
But writing seems to be a highly classical and pedantic task. A prose sans romantic poetry is sterile. Though I m romantically overcharged today, my writing lacks intensity.
The pastoral in me dominates today, still it seems that the muse has turned hostile to me. Why cant she lend her magic to me? Where is the rhythm? Oh muse I pray to evoke u from ur slumber! Bless me so that I can write. Hah Muse doesnt rise and I wind,,,

It just takes seconds to lose your sang froid and everything built over ages goes to the grind.
One moment of anger takes away years of happiness. It's like a nuclear holocaust that leads to unassumed catastrophes. The marvels of humanity are reduced to ashes. The art, science and the noble faculty that a man is all become a thing of the past, never to be born again. And the new breed also undergoes severe trauma.
Over the years, my resentment has grown, as I have not been able to fulfill my own expectations. One's frustration is reflected in his severly distorted personality. Especially when one is trying to overcome his limitations. But I commited the grave mistake of losing my temperament, not expected of a man. But that was an "unintended consequence".
But when I look back at past few years, the timelessness of time grips me. It soothes my raging soul. I again tread back to the more humane way. I feel myself elevated to a higher position in the chain of beings.
Anger vanishes, love floursihes.

I have learnt the art of deriving pleasure out of pain.
So, the final answers? A damned soul, a man indeed, a revenge seeker, a retatliator and what not.
Anyways, the winter is too chilling for the ice to break .
When does one retaliate? When he/she is pushed to the wall. Retaliation is very human. It does not reflect manhood or womanhood. Threats, premonition....Oh I m doomed to misfortune, the pitfalls of sordid reality. I m not the last one to break the ice, not even me,,afterall I m a MAN, with capital M.
I m least bothered as I m already dying under the weight of allegations and recriminations.
I have never stopped people from being themselves and today also I would not compell them to refrain their wishes. New blog, not a bad idea to completely kick the damned souls out of life. But I have no grudge because I have my own way and one adapts to circumstances. What do you do when you are a victim of circumstances? You learn to live not for yourself but for others.
Neglect is one attribute of life that I have learnt to live with. What happens when one falls short of expectations? It leads to frustration. A frustarted soul withdraws into a shell trying to neglect the society as a whole including the near and dear ones.
Will resume my wailing tomorrow,,,

Cul-de-sac, that's where life seems to have come to a screeching halt. The deluge of passion has suddenly dried up.
There is something great about insularity, it allows one to be true to himself.
Parsimonius, thats what I was meant to be, I thought in my seclusion? Is this the guiding principle of life?
Bridges connect pieces of land. But if human relations start clamouring for bridges, they are doomed. Bridges are artificial, they connect, they dont bond.
Human bondage dont need bridges.

"Ignorance is strength"...one of the three famous phrases coined by George Orwell. Do I get carried over by this Orwelian double-speak? Can I always hide the acrimonious realities under the garb of irony and sarcasm?
Innocence has given way to knowledge, knowledge of the surreal, that sometimes passes into the kafkasque realms of nightmare ready to cave me in. I never had felt so depressingly low.
Today was yet another hectic day in the life of this dignified clerk. With zero intellectual activity, the output being below the standards, life can be very boring. Yet the only saving grace for the day was a timely call from HOME. Felt elated to talk to mom n dad. They have promised to come to Ranchi by the end of December. But the zeal has evaporated into thin air. Everything seems to be derailed and there is no hope of getting onto the right track.
When the life gets derailed, there is an urgent need to pull up the chains,,,,desperate situations demand desperate measures,,,,huh,oft repeated,,,
Confusion grows with age. I think that misunderstanding also increases with better understanding. It's a different matter that people chose to ignore or they compromise because they have to make a choice between "which is more correct". But I never had such confusions because I think that I understand people, all n sundry. No, it's a grave mistake to pontificate that misunderstanding grows with better understanding. Rather it increases with a greater sense of over possession and love.
Will resume tomorrow, hopefully not with cribbing,,

Is DEATH the final answer to all ills plaguing the SELF?
I run out of patience, my greatness betrays me. May be some day, out of frustration, my SELF would turn treacherous. And when one is not himSELF, life can be at the mercy of DEATH.
How often I have been buried under the debris of crumbled high rise mansions of expectations that were only erected to satiate the voracious dreams? But I never said die. I always reminded myself of that famous phrase: And miles to go before I sleep...I have not slept but I m trodding a wasteland, a moor that is crowded with centaurs ready to devour my dreams.
It seems that I have lost the battle and now I m on the way to losing the war. Seems that the final blow has been dealt to my dreams. I no longer dream, I survive the vagaries of time.
Today I was reading Love in the time of Cholera and the delightful reading, typical of magic realism, made me more pensive. Particularly those moments when Dr Juvenal Urbino dies. Few lines
"...and he looked at her for the last and final time with eyes more luminous, more grief stricken, more grateful than she had ever seen them in half a century of a shared life, and managed to say to her with his last breath: "Only God knows how much I loved you." "
Made an interesting reading. Couldn't help thinkin about future, old age, misconceptions, misunderstandings, love, elations, family... People say that there is an enjoyment in reading tragedy. I felt it. What happens when one starts drawing vicarious pleasure in tragedy? For the first time in life, I felt literature.
I dont understand the various manifestations of sex appeal. I m too naive to do that. I m too much pre occupied with hard realities that certain things escape my notice, I deliberately try to do it or it happens. Only GOD knows.
I think I can not compliment genius, I never was. And it's my own drawback that I have been unsuccessful in letting expressions come through.
So, the final word : I m a failure on all the fronts. Wings of dream Pegasus have been clipped, I can no longer fly.
a loser

The real and the surreal astonish me. I try to seek refuge in a makebelif world to evade the stark realities of life. But the dream castle seems to lie beneath the debris of realities, which have turned the tables on me. I m dead crying for help. Realities do stare right in my face. I m the example of what not to be. I aspired for something else but I have ended up being a run of the mill, ordinary journalist. I will never be happy n wont be able to keep others happy because I will always be frustrated with myself. Life is a cauldron ready to drwon me, my heart, my ambitions sink. I can not see my hope keeping afloat. I tried to wade through the trubulent waves but I m now in troubled waters. I m dead n gONE.
But I will come back with vengeance to reach the zenith. Time is not on my side, I will wait for it.

An intellectual mishap it was,,,,Oh i m cursing the day i joined journalism,,,,today i ended up making three pages,,,my ass is paining n i dont know on whom i should vent my ire,,,,so i decided to virtually let it out on the net. P****** is right when she says that it is a thankless profession, a profession dominated by crooks n cheats, psycophants,,,,my experience has been horrible,,,,People do master the art of euology in journalism,,,,But i cannot be a panegyrist, it's really difficult for me to sing peans to my seniors unless they really deserve,,,,But for how long can i survive ? The sooner i leave it, the better it is.
Has the fire inside me been extinguished by false sense of achievement? Can I define achievement? How can an aim be transformed into achievement? Well these are difficult questions for which answers can be found through conventional wisdom. Well I m still longing for it.
By the way, the days I have missed out on blogging are glaring examples of the seventh sin of sloth,,,,hah!

Elections-jubiliations for some, depression for others. How inextricably our lives are intertwined to the outcomes of this democratic farce? Perhaps this election was not one of the chicaneries as the anti-incumbency factor played in. The worms are out of the can. The BJP says that the BSP factor has helped them to unseat the Congress in MP, Rajasthan and Chhattissgarh. The experinece in southern states has outlined that changeover of governments leads to prosperity of the region. But it can not be generalised.
Will resume tomorrow as the ideas are getting strewn all over the place.

The seventh sin of sloth is smothering my potential. But it's very difficult to overcome this obnoxious trait. The events of the last few days was weighing heavy upon my mind but now my mind is gradually shedding off the extra burden. I m trying to get back to my usual ways.
will resume later in the day,,

Done to death,,,That's the attitude one needs to wear on his sleeves in this pusillanimous society,,Cowards n thus compromosing,,,that's how i wud describe my brethren,,,,We dont have a sense of history because we never wanted to recall it,,Why? Because we are losers,,,,,we were always smothered by the invaders,,,,In fact the blame has to go to the history,,
the so much talked about tolerance has made us cowards,,,,,Since we were always trampled upon by the outsiders, we became obsequious in the course,,,,So the habit to be under some or the other kind of dictatorship, which comes under the veil of distorted democracy, comes naturally to us. Thus our present day attitude to let go anything without protest.
Hats off to the capracious cowards n inefficient system of our country.
A disillusionised youth.

posted on 11/28/2003
I have written an open letter to the CM of Jharkhand and Chief Justice of Jharkhand High Court narrating my last night ordeal. I would reproduce the same here-
To
The Chief Minister
Jharkhand

Cc: Chief Justice, Jharkhand High Court

Sub: How safe is Ranchi?

Sir
Outsiders always ridiculed this part of India as being unsafe. I, a sub-editor with the Hindustan Times, Ranchi, out and out derided them thinking that a mountain was being created out of a molehill. I thought it was all negative publicity. But I was wrong. Realisation dawned on me on early Friday when few drunken revelers assaulted me on the Government Bus Stand campus over a trivial issue.
Had it not been for the support from the local shopkeepers, I would have been beaten mercilessly.
It’s a known fact that traveling through the Naxalite terrains of Jharkhand in trains and buses during night can prove to be fatal. The argument goes, the countryside is entrapped in Naxal violence. Does the same logic hold good for cities also?
My nightmarish experience has led me to believe that there is no semblance of a civil society in the city. On minor provocations, people can resort to mindless violence. I would say the feudal mindset has not been completely wiped off from this place.
I would like to narrate my experience before you-
After completing my work in the office (Hindustan Times), I along with my colleague Goutam Das went to the Bus Stand to enjoy tea. However, few youth came to the venue and started spitting on my motorcycle. After I requested them not to do so, they hurled the choicest of epithets on me and created a ruckus there. A fracas followed in which I received internal injuries. Five to six young men, all consumed by Bacchus, came in a white car. They were apparently coming from a wedding party as their car was decorated.
They also tried to set my vehicle on fire and boasted of having influence in the corridors of power. Before leaving, they threatened me with dire consequences.
I am a small time scribe trying hard to get myself inured to the journalistic rigours. But such incidents depress me.
Should such misdemeanour be allowed to pass by? I want answers. When drunken driving is banned by the law, how did they manage to flout all the rules with impunity? How could the police absolve themselves from protecting the law-abiding citizens? More than 20 hours have passed and the assaulters are still traceless.
If no is above the law, I challenge you to restore my faith in the law of the land by bringing the guilty to the book.

Yours truly,
Prasanna Raghav
Copy-editor
Hindustan Times, Ranchi

Date: 28/11/03

Dreamer's never say die...They live on more vibrantly to pursue their dreams. I m young n i too have a dream, a dream that is bound within the contours of of human rationality and yet unrestrained. I have not lost the battle, one that is being fought on the surreptitous grounds of proving ur mettle. Every human being wages a war with himself for scaling greater heights. I m too n i know that i will win it comfortably.
My imagination seems to be fired..i m willing to put in extra effort,,thanks to the 'instigator', whose company sheer presence has made tremendous difference to my life,,i owe a lot to HER.
My enthusiasm took me to an unexplored destination where i decided to be professionaly proficient. It helped me to hone my skills,,,,i m planning big stuff,,may be writing a book,,,who knows,,,,i m not boasting but i may end up writing a book on my experiences n observations in Jharkhand,,,on how this place is being corrupted mistaken modernity.....
I m not worried over questions that concern my future,,if i secure my present n do my work diligently, i m sure future will also be colorful.
A thing of beauty is joy forever....i m yearning for joy...
Truth is beauty n beauty is truth.
I want n wish my truth to beautify my world.
LOVE

Tomorrow is my off day but i m not sure of what i m going to do. Even Rinku mama is not here.
The extravagance of hope has come in direct conflict with the compulsion of present day reality. The acrimonious realities of life have dawned on me. It was not as if i was completely ignorant but yes i used to evade such questions. But when things stare right in ur face, u have to address them. I m looking for answers n a leeway, i fear if it's a corect word to use.
Present tense, Future indefinite,,,What to do? Where shall I go? Am i wasting myself? I m perturbed. I can't lose the essence of lie. I have to be something but how? OK tomorrow i will get a full day to think over it.
Optimism is not my favourite word though i treasure it secretly. I praise the effects of this word clandestinely. What does it reflect? Low level of confidence? I m intimidated because TIME is not on my side. It's running out. My destiny will be decided by 'what i m'? People would never know the intricacies that i harbour.
Going to home to contemplate over these matters,,,

Life in news room sucks. Everyday it's the same old story. Edit copies n make pages. But why i m cribbing? Didn't i know this fact? And for that matter, arent all jobs mnotonous? When people talk about job satisfaction, it seems that they are hoodwinking themselves only. Why do people have pretensions? Job satisfaction can only be 'bought' when one almost reaches that elusve of all human feelings-passion.
But is the passion guaranteed? Oh so many questions n no answers. Where shall i find these answers?
Can i seek these answers by adhering to a set ideology? Well I would in the first place do not stick to any particular ideology to churn out my answrs from it but i wud nonetheless give it a patient hearing before deriding it completely. Skepticism is washed away by the accumulated wisdom of knowledge situated in sifting time n space.
There cant be universal ideology because the very notion takes away the essence of human character to be diverse. It is due to the versality of points of view that the mankind has either fragmented itself or has bettered itself in the course of time.
But yes i agree that simple ideas are presented in such a way that the undersatnding of ideologies turns out to be a herculian task.
Will resume later,,,,,happiness rings in the heart through cell phones,,

Here is my write up that appeared on Tuesday in Ranchi edition

Who will stem rape of the rock?
Prasanna Raghav
Ranchi, November 17

In Ranchi, rock art does exist! But instead of being historically relevant, it has great commercial value.
A hillock in Bariatu, near the firing range, has, of late, been made a soft target of commercial vandalism – the rocks here bear the brunt of advertisements painted on them.
The Supreme Court, in a landmark judgement last year, had imposed a heavy penalty on the cola companies for causing similar environmental damage to the Rohtang Pass and its adjoining areas. An appointed committee had stated that such advertisements violate the Forest Conservation Act 1980 and also a SC order of 1996.
However, the concerned departments in Jharkhand have found it convenient to ignore the SC judgment.
The land in question does not belong to the Forest Department. But does that absolve them of their duty towards preserving nature?
A top forest department official said that though the department officials were aware of the advertisements, they have preferred to ignore. Department secretary Mukhtiyar Singh said he came to know about the advertisements only two days ago but is not sure on the course of action to be taken. An official said that plantation activities were carried out by the department near the hillock to "turn the area into a green pasture".
It's an irony that in spite of identifying the area for plantation activities, the Forest Department missed out on such glaring advertisements in the adjoining hillock.
Though the land is owned by the district administration, its officials have no inkling into the matter. "Now that we have come to know of it, we will take up the matter urgently," said ADM Vimal Chaudhary.
As the pass-the-buck attitude continues to reverberate in the corridors of power, the rocks stand defaced even today.

I m sitting next to senior journalists, having a moment to chance upon their wisdom n experience.
Today i got a byline on the Live page 1. Indeed my article on rape of the rock would have been raped by the sub but i m not complaining. After all it's a subs's job. Hated for their editing itch, the subs accord themselves the status of MORTAL GODS. Nothing special but yes it feels good to see ur name in 'fine print'.
The Clash of the Titans also melted away. But still i m worried over life various faces. I m prturbed over the health of life.
resume tomorrow.

Happiness is playing coquettery with me,,,While u r happy in the evening, u may end up being sad the very night. how flirtatious it is? It cajoles.
The trouble starts when one starts finding extraneous meaning situated outside of a particular discourse. I m not meticulous with my words,,perhaps i never understood the importance of words,,,,
But i m not hurt,,,,now i m back to my usual self,,,,i think that i m at ease with myself only when i m an 'acquescing angel',,,,oh i love to be one,,,,,just for love,,,,

The numerous contradictions of life that stare right in my face have turned adversarial. My anxiety reverberates in my pensive soul. How brazenly i was ignored at the cost of others who offered 'solace'.
I thoroughly enjoyed the day,,after all i was pampered. among fat cats and obscenly artificial persons,,,huh!!!!!!!
So, my last blog entry n my last day on the net will also help heal some wounds. My cell would also go silent. I m destiny's forgotten, ill-groomed child who is replete with contradictions. My blood boils but it cools too.
The discourse has shifted from universal to personal. Innocence dissolves in knowledge n knowledge gives way to exercise of power situated in a particular discourse. Innocence-knowledge-power. Where am i lost in this chain? Do i want to exercise brute power in personal relationship or i mbeing made a meek subject of nonchalance? I have no answers for this.....and yes people learn to swim on their own...so have I? No I would never swim...I would rather be an escapist,,,,never to wade through water again.

I m happy that November the 14th, a red letter day in my life, has come once again. The clock has turned a full circle n it's heartening to know that I have not veered out of my resolute path to be loved and love.
I could not maintain my rather unusual stubborn chracter. My anger has vanished into thin air and I want to start it afresh. But I fear that situation from where i can be rebuked. It is holding me back for the last two days. Still I would try.
Happy B' Day to the real child woman.

A day after off in the office doesn't seem to refresh my haggard looks. Nothing seems to be falling in line. Was so annoyed with myself that I ended up spending Rs 1700 on shopping. All done to hide the personality disorder that is Prasanna. How clever human beings are that they cover up their ugliness by wearing expensive clothes. Things fall apart, centre can not hold. Indeed, the falcon cannnot hear the falconer. O my repeated atempts to reconcile myself to destiny backfires on me. I have turned a rebel, challenging destiny. As flies are to wanton boys, we r to Gods, they kill us for their sport. But is it so easy to withdraw from the battlefield? My questioning spirit seems to be soaring high,,,,,i have entered a phase when i have started questioning the 'designs' of destiny. Oh! does it exist at all? I get too perplexed and bewildered when i take a stroll down the memory lane. But then I live with hope of life embracing me once again.
Yestaerday went to Ambarish's place where I met his father, a religious man and an astrologer who can be trusted upon. He told me that I m soon going to quit this profession and I would marry a girl of my own choice. He was talking about fate, life after death and many more metaphysical aspects. I got engrossed in his words. He is so awe-inspiring. I drew strenght from his words. I again started believing in destiny but this belief was ephemeral as I failed to establish a lost contact in the evening,,,,,perhaps I was rebuked. I m also misunderstood. So, my rebellious nature is no surprise.
Will resume tomorrow with a hope that I will write something constructive.

I thought i had purged myself before GOD.
But even that did not douse the conflagration of heart.
Harping on the past, reminding me of my vices.
I was happy to have undone the mistake before the almighty
but things keep coming back. Happiness is too momentary a thing. It decieves.
I m also a human being. I m too hurt, misunderstood, given a final word, asked to give a final gift. Amn't I hurt?
On slightest provocation, for which i was not at all responsible, lacerating invectives were hurled on me. I was again typefied, a journalist who is cynical and always fun-loving and enjoys the company of perverts. I assert that I m not one them. Still i can not make myself clear. Perhaps I m the only unfortunate to have witnessed my own character assasination n that too very craftily backed by the Socratic logic. Wont i be hurt?
" I m impulsive" but that doesn't mean that I will keep hurting people everytime n expect saluataions. Pleasing mask of individuality, I would say. Have I ever questioned myself that why i m not able to get along with anyone, except of corse my family members? Do I demand too many concessions in the form of reminding people about their past mistakes? I m too impulsive and passionate but I took two days on deciding the most important step of my life.So, here reason overtakes passion! I will lay out the guidelines and expect everyone to follow. I m morally superior and everyone else is infra dig. I m the one who will do the talking and ask others to shut up. I have my own way. After all i m an individual. I m always justified in my thoughts. Even if someone has accepted his mistakes, I would demoralise him with my curt messages. I m so generous that I can forgive but never forget. I cant help it. Thats the way i am and i cant change. God has endowed me the capacity to strike the final nail in the coffin.
So, there is a limit to everything. There is also a limit to individuality. I would expect everyone to shed his ego. Even that wont suffice. I would again make them feel guilty because i m too impulsive and can be put-off by the peresence of people who do not exist for me. Everytime I want the other person to assuage my hurt feelings. I dont care whether he is hurt or not. But I have promised one thing that I will be the one to cut the ice even if takes ages.
Now I will wait and watch. Or is it the end of the story? I have nothing to say. But I m mortified and can only take recourse to solitude to repent that I too have lost the gamble n everything. Now I know that why is it termed a well-deserved win. Perhaps I would never win anything else.

Woke up a little late as I wanted to extend my state of temporary death a little longer coz the real world of consciousness troubles me a lot. Even when i was sleeping only one thing floated high up in my consciousness, the travails of daily existence. I did not want to get up.
I was thinking whether I m really an unsavoury character. If I made acquaintances for few days to share my rather talked about insularity and not hedonism ( except for one moment the burden of which i will carry all my life), was I wrong? I m neither a zombie nor a staunch individualist to lock myself within the contours of myself only. I need people to talk to. I want to share my opinion. If one is really talented but peverse at the same time, I would go with the intellectual part of his/her personality rather than indulge myself in perversion. I respect the saner aspects of personality. And in freindship I always look for those qualities which i can respect and from which i can gain something.
Since I m full of myself, I constantly tried to assert myself. Oh yes I was respected by batchmates not for my frivolities but for being intellectually alive. But today I have no contacts with my batchmates for reasons known only to me. I can not take a stance because they have been branded hedonists and plesure seeking people of which I m also a part. An episode that was forgotten like forlorn gravestones raised its head once again. Today, I find myself in an ineluctable and invidiuos position from where I can only listen to the rants as a mute spectator. I can not retort because I was for a moment infra-dig. I accepted that but now I refuse to budge. I wanted to trample upon the past grave but the rickety skeleton is time and again exhumed to make life miserable. So where shall I go from here?
One thing that I have noticed during the last two years is that it is very difficult for two persons to have the same set of norms for judging people. I m a little liberal. I do not compell people to accept my benchmarks for judgement because I respect individuality. I also expect the same.
My personal space that has been heavily encroached upon by my profession clamours for solitude. I think one would be happy alone as one does not have to live up to others' expectations. If one fails to fulfill the expectations, there may be quite a ruckus and frustration that could result in personal agony of the highest order.
Wanted to compose few salutations but was struck to find all the mails deleted from my mail box. That set me off. I decided against it. I was really mortified.

One thing that has always baffled me is certainty. I would perhaps never tire of saying that certainty is the grandest illusion of mankind be it in relationship or in matters of profession. My inconsistency coupled with the frequent onslaughts of uncertatinty leaves me dumbfounded.
Perhaps I m too thin skinned, still not mature enough to face criticism. And especially if ghosts from the past come back to haunt your life and that too indirectly.
Can a real assesment be made of a book by just going through one of it's chapters. Pray no! One has to read the book. Can the analyst force his standards while critically examining the book? Well, I guess no. One has to be free of bias. Similarly, can a person be assesed by just one act? Can the concept of fragmented identities that make up one complete identity be thorwn to gather dust?
I wish to die in cognito coz my mortal soul is time and again subjected to extreme tortures.
Digging up the past to ascertain the present has become a fad these days. The Hindu right started it and the sensibility has crowded the most sensible of minds. Perhaps something was brewing up in the sub conscious. Are we Indians so gullible that we link up everything to mundane politics? Perhaps we do?
The infamy that I bequeathed from the rather glitzy past ( a moment's mistake) will keep on revisiting me. I compromised everything but I mnot GOD to shape up events. I am also a human being, I too wilt under pressures. I was also the most pampered in the family but I decided to pamper someone else. I gladly accepted everything, bouquets and brickbats. But too much of rubbing can sometimes be frustrating and that too over the same matters which one has decised to relinquish for the good. Still, it keeps coming back to me. I have no answers to this existentialist existence.
Among equals, im the lesser mortal.
Among the best, i m the wrost.
Among the very own humanity, i m no more human.
I gaze future with uncertainty.
I can be rebuted but constant rebutals over the same issues can force me to take extreme steps.
When wrong i admit but when pushed to the wall, my passions can recoil.

I m bored with my real identity as a sub-editor in an English daily. Therfore, i decided to assert my virtual identity by entering the blogworld. Indeed life vacillates between real and the virtual. So i m not an exception to this golden rule.
This is my second stint with the blog duniya. Last time I was so much disillusionised with the blogwars that i decided to call it a day. But now I want to resurface among the best.
Prasanna