Woke up a little late as I wanted to extend my state of temporary death a little longer coz the real world of consciousness troubles me a lot. Even when i was sleeping only one thing floated high up in my consciousness, the travails of daily existence. I did not want to get up.
I was thinking whether I m really an unsavoury character. If I made acquaintances for few days to share my rather talked about insularity and not hedonism ( except for one moment the burden of which i will carry all my life), was I wrong? I m neither a zombie nor a staunch individualist to lock myself within the contours of myself only. I need people to talk to. I want to share my opinion. If one is really talented but peverse at the same time, I would go with the intellectual part of his/her personality rather than indulge myself in perversion. I respect the saner aspects of personality. And in freindship I always look for those qualities which i can respect and from which i can gain something.
Since I m full of myself, I constantly tried to assert myself. Oh yes I was respected by batchmates not for my frivolities but for being intellectually alive. But today I have no contacts with my batchmates for reasons known only to me. I can not take a stance because they have been branded hedonists and plesure seeking people of which I m also a part. An episode that was forgotten like forlorn gravestones raised its head once again. Today, I find myself in an ineluctable and invidiuos position from where I can only listen to the rants as a mute spectator. I can not retort because I was for a moment infra-dig. I accepted that but now I refuse to budge. I wanted to trample upon the past grave but the rickety skeleton is time and again exhumed to make life miserable. So where shall I go from here?
One thing that I have noticed during the last two years is that it is very difficult for two persons to have the same set of norms for judging people. I m a little liberal. I do not compell people to accept my benchmarks for judgement because I respect individuality. I also expect the same.
My personal space that has been heavily encroached upon by my profession clamours for solitude. I think one would be happy alone as one does not have to live up to others' expectations. If one fails to fulfill the expectations, there may be quite a ruckus and frustration that could result in personal agony of the highest order.
Wanted to compose few salutations but was struck to find all the mails deleted from my mail box. That set me off. I decided against it. I was really mortified.