I thought i had purged myself before GOD.
But even that did not douse the conflagration of heart.
Harping on the past, reminding me of my vices.
I was happy to have undone the mistake before the almighty
but things keep coming back. Happiness is too momentary a thing. It decieves.
I m also a human being. I m too hurt, misunderstood, given a final word, asked to give a final gift. Amn't I hurt?
On slightest provocation, for which i was not at all responsible, lacerating invectives were hurled on me. I was again typefied, a journalist who is cynical and always fun-loving and enjoys the company of perverts. I assert that I m not one them. Still i can not make myself clear. Perhaps I m the only unfortunate to have witnessed my own character assasination n that too very craftily backed by the Socratic logic. Wont i be hurt?
" I m impulsive" but that doesn't mean that I will keep hurting people everytime n expect saluataions. Pleasing mask of individuality, I would say. Have I ever questioned myself that why i m not able to get along with anyone, except of corse my family members? Do I demand too many concessions in the form of reminding people about their past mistakes? I m too impulsive and passionate but I took two days on deciding the most important step of my life.So, here reason overtakes passion! I will lay out the guidelines and expect everyone to follow. I m morally superior and everyone else is infra dig. I m the one who will do the talking and ask others to shut up. I have my own way. After all i m an individual. I m always justified in my thoughts. Even if someone has accepted his mistakes, I would demoralise him with my curt messages. I m so generous that I can forgive but never forget. I cant help it. Thats the way i am and i cant change. God has endowed me the capacity to strike the final nail in the coffin.
So, there is a limit to everything. There is also a limit to individuality. I would expect everyone to shed his ego. Even that wont suffice. I would again make them feel guilty because i m too impulsive and can be put-off by the peresence of people who do not exist for me. Everytime I want the other person to assuage my hurt feelings. I dont care whether he is hurt or not. But I have promised one thing that I will be the one to cut the ice even if takes ages.
Now I will wait and watch. Or is it the end of the story? I have nothing to say. But I m mortified and can only take recourse to solitude to repent that I too have lost the gamble n everything. Now I know that why is it termed a well-deserved win. Perhaps I would never win anything else.